Friday, November 11, 2011

Does anyone have change for a 27?

Its late and I can not seem to fall asleep. I just finished filling out my financial aid application for school in Jan. I am beginning to become more excited about going back to school. The thought was daunting at first, but I love to learn and grow in life and school is a great place I can do that. I am going to be very busy and that will most likely make me hermit-like but I know that the people who love me will understand and occasionally kid nap me to come play with them. I still have not decided which way I want to go with my studies, but I guess that will come with time.

Change is inevitable in life. There are many changes going on right now that affect me greatly. I have found that although change can be difficult, it can also be rewarding. Finding happiness in change is the desired affect for me. I hope that as I am undergoing more changes in the up coming months that I will remember to find the joy along the way.

In reference to my last entry, I have slowed down the pace at which I go through the days. I have been allowing myself more free time and down time to do things that I enjoy, for example I have been learning to knit. Amelia is teaching me. I am currently working on a hat and 2 scarfs. I find it relaxing and a great way to keep my mind focused when I have to sit still and listen to something or someone. 3 times in the last month I have sat down with 3 different sisters and my mom and knit while we chatted about the everyday rigors of life. Laugh if you want, but I definitely see the appeal to sitting in a rocking chair in front of the fire place knitting for hours. With my hands busy at work I have the time to work though things in my mind that have been pushed aside during more intense activities. What a blessing it is to be able to relax and clear my mind of the repetitive droning I go through daily in my head, and just sit and think of the more pleasant things in life, like who am I going to set my little sister up with to scare her into dating :) (Just Kidding, you know I love you Herr Burger...L.. :) ) Honestly though, I love to relax and have not found enough time to do it in. I am glad I have slowed down a little and I am feeling better already.(except for the rapid, unexplained heart rate)

Well my alarm is going to be beckoning me to wake in a few short hours...

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Happy 10,150 Days to me!

I have been alive for 10,150 days today. It is strange to think that for 10150 days I have been breathing and making choices that lead me to where I am today. Today I can not look back at choices I have made but instead I have the choice to look forward to many choices to come. One day at a time I am becoming the person I can and want to be. Last week Michelle and I went to see the Lion King in 3D, and it was great! One scene that has been stuck in my head is when Rafiki comes to Simba all grown up and teaches him a lesson on life.
Adult Simba: Ow! Jeez, what was that for? (after hitting Simba in the head with a stick)
Rafiki: It doesn't matter. It's in the past.
Adult Simba: Yeah, but it still hurts.
Rafiki: Oh yes, the past can hurt. But the from way I see it, you can either run from it, or... learn from it.

It seems a little strange that I have watched that movie countless times and I never saw that scene like I did that night. I have been learning from my past for years and have even turned to face it in recent years but I think the point of going through my past is to learn from it and move on with the Todays that life gives me. What a gift it is to be able to choose the path that I walk upon each day. To be alive in this time in the world and in the culture I was born into is great.

I often think that I was born in the wrong time and place, that I would be more suited in a slower paced walk of life. Today I am sick and have been in bed most of the day, I have worked a long week and my body decided that it was time to take a rest. Its days like today that I wish for a slower life. Therefore, today I have decided to take it slower than I usually do. The real feat will be keeping a slower pace when I am not sick. The pace that is kept by people around me is astounding at times and it is cruel, I do not believe that we were meant to be that busy. Balancing time has never been my strong point but I shall try nonetheless.

I am going back to school in January and I am excited at the prospect. I have been trying to decide what I am going to major in as I have only completed some general classes thus far. The choices I am trying to decide between are English and IT. They could not be less related as majors and it is difficult to make the decision as I love both.

Its late... Night!

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

Thank you!

I am truly horrible at updating this blog; my life has changed so much since September and all for the better. I am truly happy for the first time in a long while. Funny thing, it turns out that my parents were right all along… “Make good choices and you will find true joy in the journey”. I am so grateful for my loving parents and the guidance they have given my throughout my life. I have an amazing family! I could spend hours talking about just how amazing they are but for now I will just tell them how much I love and appreciate each and every one of them! You all rock!
I am also grateful for the true friends I have who have been there for me through the rough times and the good times in the last year! I don’t know if I would be where I am today without the support and love of those few people and my family.
Thank you God! I am pumped and excited to see what God has just around the corner for me. The unknown is not so scary when I have God as my guide!
All the “shout outs” aside, (God, Check! Family, Check! Friends, Check!) I will move on to where I am at in life currently. I am still working at Advanced Exteriors as “The Billing Department” and I continue to learn and grow in one way or another in my job. I am getting ready to enter the busy season at work so I am metaphorically saddling up for a long and difficult ride. I have had a pleasant off season so I should be well rested before I get too busy again.
I am excited to be able to continue to grow and learn more about the person I am and develop the person I am becoming. Thank you God! Thank you all!

Thursday, September 16, 2010


I have had a desire to update my blog lately but I am struggling to find the words to say. I guess I could just say that I am trying to adjust to life as it is now and find my path in life. I am on a journey to find out what it is that I want out of life. I want to do things in life that bring me joy and help me progress down a path that is healthy for me. So for now I will just say that I am working toward an unknown goal...

Tuesday, March 16, 2010

I have so much going through my mind its hard to know where to start. I will try to make sense of all of it and see how that goes.

When life takes a turn that you did not expect it can throw off your entire groove. I am learning this yet again at this point in my life. I have learned that much strength and growth can come from the hard experiences in life. I have also learned that perseverance and positive thinking can go a long way. I am faced with the opportunity to once again take a look at my life and move forward. In times past I have closed my eyes and ran with all my might in a meaningless direction and it doesn't take long to stumble and fall, hurt myself and others, and end up face down in a gutter utterly embarrassed. This time I have a different outlook and I am striving to take a different path. Times like this can be very healthy if approached in a careful manner and I am determined that it can and will be a great opportunity to take life by the horns and ride. When I have been abruptly cut off from my known future in the past I have been known to turn back, look at the past and mope. This time it will be different. Its all about the positive thinking and turning my will and my life over to God as I know him. The pain, the sorrow, the anger, the exhaustion, the powerlessness, the pain, the pain, the pain, it all has to be turned over to God. So thats what I did as soon as the pain started. I decided not to isolate myself and get out, try to enjoy life and be grateful for the things I do have. I have been asked many times how it is that I am handling all this so well and my only response can be that I have turned it over to God and clung to people I know love me for company and strength. I am grateful for the friends and family I have to love and support me through this hard time!

I feel like I am rambling incoherently but I have to let it all out.

So, what am I going to do? We shall see what the Lord has in store for me. I know he won't lead me astray.

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Long past due update!

I have not updated my blog in a very long time. I would venture to say that I am a blog slacker but I know that is simply not true. I have been busy with the everyday rigors of life and making some very important life changing choices. I will try to be more diligent in my updates and more thorough with my explanations but its late now so it will have to wait. more to come!
Good Night!

Thursday, August 6, 2009

Sight Can be Confusing

I think that at times we feel that we are the only people who suffer the way we do. It is not until we take ourselves out of our lives and see how we act in the eyes of others that we see that people may be feeling the same way we do. Once we are able to look at how we act, we see that many times we are misunderstood and our actions misjudged. I have had this happen to me recently and it has driven me to thinking of how I act.
I have anxiety, and often times have a hard time expressing how I am feeling through my actions. So I sit there in my own little agony and try to get through it. I had not stopped to think how this may appear to others around me. The other day I was in a social setting and I noticed a guy who was sitting not too far from me, he appeared to be fidgety and just looked like he did not want to be there. I discreetly watched him as he struggled and then got up to leave. I thought to myself that there had to be something wrong so I got up to follow him. When we got outside he turned and looked at me with a confused expression on his face. I then asked him if everything was ok. He told me that he just needed to leave. I randomly blurted out and said, “Sometimes I get overwhelmed in large groups and just leave because the setting makes me anxious”. I immediately felt dumb for saying that and started trying to explain myself, letting him know that I was not implying anything by that. He cut me off and said that was exactly why he got up to leave. I stood there dumbfounded and just looked at him. He then asked me how I knew that he was uncomfortable. I told him that I could tell he was not comfortable because I could see it in his face and empathize with that feeling. We talked for the rest of the social event outside and we both felt better afterward.
As I sit here and think about what I saw in him I realized that is how I look to other people when I am feeling anxiety. It appears on the outside that I am in agony. It can also come across as being stand offish or showing disinterest. I am going to try to work on expressing myself in a more efficient manner in the future. But I am glad for this eye opening experience and have to thank God that he lead me to talk to another person who suffers as I do. I think that it will make it easier for my friend and I to feel better about being there in the future. Today I thank God for still small voices that guide us in the right direction.