Sight Can be Confusing

I think that at times we feel that we are the only people who suffer the way we do. It is not until we take ourselves out of our lives and see how we act in the eyes of others that we see that people may be feeling the same way we do. Once we are able to look at how we act, we see that many times we are misunderstood and our actions misjudged. I have had this happen to me recently and it has driven me to thinking of how I act.
I have anxiety, and often times have a hard time expressing how I am feeling through my actions. So I sit there in my own little agony and try to get through it. I had not stopped to think how this may appear to others around me. The other day I was in a social setting and I noticed a guy who was sitting not too far from me, he appeared to be fidgety and just looked like he did not want to be there. I discreetly watched him as he struggled and then got up to leave. I thought to myself that there had to be something wrong so I got up to follow him. When we got outside he turned and looked at me with a confused expression on his face. I then asked him if everything was ok. He told me that he just needed to leave. I randomly blurted out and said, “Sometimes I get overwhelmed in large groups and just leave because the setting makes me anxious”. I immediately felt dumb for saying that and started trying to explain myself, letting him know that I was not implying anything by that. He cut me off and said that was exactly why he got up to leave. I stood there dumbfounded and just looked at him. He then asked me how I knew that he was uncomfortable. I told him that I could tell he was not comfortable because I could see it in his face and empathize with that feeling. We talked for the rest of the social event outside and we both felt better afterward.
As I sit here and think about what I saw in him I realized that is how I look to other people when I am feeling anxiety. It appears on the outside that I am in agony. It can also come across as being stand offish or showing disinterest. I am going to try to work on expressing myself in a more efficient manner in the future. But I am glad for this eye opening experience and have to thank God that he lead me to talk to another person who suffers as I do. I think that it will make it easier for my friend and I to feel better about being there in the future. Today I thank God for still small voices that guide us in the right direction.

A Beautiful Day

New Start!

I have not had the opportunity to make any posts in the last while. I have been getting settled into the new job and life out here in Colorado. I am glad to be home and with my family. It is a great stress reliever to have familiar faces and caring friends around.
I have had the opportunity of getting to see my Grandpa get married 2 weekends ago. It was a great time despite the 110+ heat at the beautiful outdoor ceremony. I wish them the best of luck in this new adventure the are embarking upon! Eileen is going to have her hands full~ LOL Love you Grandpa!
My New job is exciting and I have much to learn in this field as I have never worked in it before. This is a challenge that I accept with open arms. I hope I do not regret it later.
My Sister Melissa, her son Jackson and I had a most excellent adventure road tripping to Saint George and back. On this trip my sister and I had many great hours of talk time. We talked about life, love and happiness, Struggles, gifts and experiences. I am truly grateful for the great older sister that I have! She is a blessing to my very existence. Along this Journey we talked about the path of life. She likened my explanation of the course of life to a "Choose your Own Adventure" book. I agreed with her at that time but it was not until later as I pondered that, that I had the opportunity to actually chew on that.
I think that we all have a basic outline of what our life is to be that is determined by a higher power. Along the way we have the opportunity to, at a crossroads in our life choose which path we are going to venture down. In this aspect life is like unto a "Choose your own adventure" book. Unfortunately we can not peek at the outcome before we choose that path, as I did when reading those books when a child. We have to determine the choice that we feel is best and read on, crossing our fingers that the bad guys wont get us in the end. The Wisdom and knowledge gained from previous choices are imperative to making the future choices from which the best outcomes are derived. We learn as we go. There are loop holes sometimes in life that take us back to what feels like a choice we had to make before, so do we choose the same choice and hope that the outcome is different? Or do we choose another path and hope that the outcome will lead us to yet another choice... This I am pondering today as I have many choices to make that I have found myself making in the past as well. The outcome of the choices I have made in the past have given me the opportunity to learn and grow immensely, so do I choose another path to see what it has to offer?

Knowledge is Power

Knowing is half the battle right? I think not. It seems as though the knowledge of other people and their feelings can be used to inflict pain and suffering. So why? Why would someone use the intimate knowledge of someone to bring suffering? Why take the time to learn about someone and I dare say learn to love them, just to turn around and stab them in the back? People open themselves up to different levels, some are closed off and put up walls. When these people open up to someone that they feel that they can trust its a great big deal to them. Can you imagine that some people can actually betray that trust and hurt them anyway? It may not be so bad when its not done intentionally, but that is not what I am talking about. This is a crime of anger in the heat of a moment, the hurtful things that are said but not thought about. That damn brain to mouth filter disabled in the blindness of the moment. I think that the proper phrase is not "knowing is half the battle", but instead "Knowledge is Power".

Communication Device

Without voice would I be able to speak? I feel that I communicate fairly well and efficiently, but could I make my feeling known with just body language and touch. Words are powerful, they can be used for hurt and for pleasure. I see and hear people communicating every day and I feel that words are used to often for negativity. So, would I do more good or harm with my words if I truly realized the impact of my words on others. Anyone that knows me knows I like to talk. I enjoy the freedom we have to openly share how we feel about anything. Words are powerful. I think that too often we pass up the opportunity to communicate in ways other than with words.

Body language is one of the sometimes unconscious ways that we communicate. I recently spent an entire evening noticing the body language of myself and another person. A lot can be said in a simple gesture or look, it can say "I am uncomfortable", or it can say "I feel at home here". In the time I spent watching the affects of body language I learned that it is to powerful. Body language can stimulate feeling and make moments in life have meaning and a certain intensity that its not stimulated other wise.

Touch is communicating but at a different level. Touch is sometimes a way to say things that words can not fathom. times that I have felt more in touch than I could have in words have been many. I remember one time in particular that the touch of a person whom I loved very much was a feeling of closure and moving on unlike words could have even portrayed. The last touch of life can be one that you feel long after that life has expired. I will always remember the last time I had the honor of touching my Grandmother. I was not alone in the room but the moment was mine alone and it created a great feeling of love and the honor of being her grand daughter.
I have been moved countless times by touch. the touch of a friend, the touch of a lover, the touch of a stranger. some are gentle and others intense. Touch is powerful.

All of these are ways to communicate, but as much as I like the others I have a special liking for voice.

Damsel in Distress, your classic D.I.D.

The battle of the damsel and the dragon moves onward… At times I find myself wondering whether I am the damsel or the dragon. Is that burning inside of me the fire waiting to escape my lips? Is it the burning of a passion that has yet to be released? Or is it the unexplained pain in the form of fire burning from within.
On the other hand it could be that I am the damsel and I feel the burning inside, the burning of fear and the unknown. Do I fear the dragon with its tremendous ferocity as it chases me toward the destiny that I have yet to understand? Is that dragon the force that moves me forward or holds me back paralyzed by the thought of the grips of its talons?
I know that in the herculean time there was a hero who would come and help the damsel in distress by obliterating the opponent and taking her in his arms to safety. Is that so in the modern day? Do I wait for that herculean hero and let him sweep me off my feet? Does that happen anymore? Or perhaps I know the answer and I have only to rely on that God that I know to guide me as I battle the dragon. I have the tools and the know how to get through this and slay the dragon. But in that case I could be neither the damsel nor the dragon.
I feel as though I am both at times. I guess that is the complexity that leads me to the first questions, Am I the fire of the dragon, or the victim of the ferocious beast?

Families are the blessings that make the world go round. I have had the time to reflect in the last few months on the affect of families. They are there when you need them, even if at a distance. They can make you laugh or cry with a single word or phrase. Its amazing the bond that you feel to them. I have been living with 2 of my family members for a few months now and I have learned to love them in a way that I have not had the chance to before.

I live about 500 miles away from the bulk of my family. I have the opportunity to see them on occasion and I am grateful for that. They are a great comfort to me and I learn from them as I can and love to hear of their growth.

Family is a great strength and a center point of comfort. Thank God for that!

Sistas!

I have some thing to convey in this Ridin' blog.
so here it goes...
I go through life each day and depending on the events that may come my way, I set the pace of this wild rollercoaster that I ride. Life is like a rollercoaster. We sometimes enjoy it and a lot of times we are frightened or even sick to our stomachs at obstacles that come our way. Nevertheless we are on this ride and we have to deal with the obstacles, although they may seem unsurmountable at times, we must move forward.
One of the ever so popular obstacles is Love. Love is a wild ride, it poses challeges left and right, and most of the time it seems that obstacle is the factor of many fears and tears. it also is the cause of much joy and happiness when right, but if not, it can seem like the rollercoaster of life is on a permanent loop cycle. The stomach turns and turns as the loops are never ending. That is the effect that a love gone bad can have. I ask wanna get in line? this rollercoaster is getting ready to take off again...

in the beginning...

Hey this is my blog. I like to keep people posted on how I feel but unfortunately dont have the energy to keep up with everyone I love. so here goes...

I am at a crossroads in my life. I am making some big changes in my life and I feel the pressure of change creeping up on me. I have some great opportunities to make some positive changes and adjustments to my existence. As I learn to move forward and progress I can only hope that my friends will understand and accept the choices I make.
I have a feeling in the pit of my stomach constantly like there is something that I am missing in my life, call it anxiety, call if fear, I call it the Dragon! There is a dragon in my stomach, and it roars with daunting peril. Only time will tell what it all means.

amusement parks

Life is like a day at the amusement park, in many small ways I see the similarities. Let me start with the price paid to attend the festivities; the amount of money you have determines how many attractions you can attend. Life is the same way, if you don't have the money you can't enjoy the expensive perks of life.One of my favorite things to do at an amusement park is play those impossible games, like climbing up the rope ladder- that is unstable and flips on you if your don't have the most precise balance- if you get to the top, you win a huge stuffed animal. Its not the animal that you want, but the great feeling of accomplishing the goal. This can be likened to many aspects of life, but today I am going to liken it to the road of life. To reach your goals you must be able to keep the balance of work, money, social life, school, love, and family. Each rung is another battle to keep the precise balance. Just enough of each of the elements to keep from flipping over and starting over again. The goal is of course getting to the end of your mortal life happy and knowledgable, and somehow having reached that with the joy in the journey. Along this ladder somehow we are supposed to smile and be considerate, love what we are doing, and help others along. At times we may think that all we can do is focus on the the goal, when in reality its the next step we should be concentrating on... each step made in the right precise way leads to the next successful step. The other thing that is most important is to never get to comfortable or overly confident, thinking to ourselves " I got this, this is a piece of cake!" that is when the ladder begins to wobble and we find ourselves scrambling to regain control of the ladder and begin to slowly balance again. So be careful in the climb to wherever you may be headed.The other thing I love to do at amusement parks is the thrill rides. Bungi Jumping, Rollercoasters, and other thrill seeking rides. Bungi jumping is the one thing I have not done, so I am going to compare it to Marriage... I mean come on, what could be more appropriate than comparing bungi jumping to taking "The Infamous Plunge". Latley it seems to be the thing to do! To run as fast as you can to the ladder, climb without taking a breather, and before you have a chance to get scared, or even take a breathe, there you are plunging into the scariest yet most exhilarating time in you life thus far. AHHHHH! Yipeeeee! Yahoooo! By the time you set foot on ground again, you think to yourself, OMG I can't believe I just did that!... Now this is where I end that analogy mainly because everyones story is different after that... some may regret it, some may think that was the greatest thing that ever happening to them. Now I have to say that not everyone rushes in to this, some climb the ladder many times before they actually jump, and some take their time and watch each step they take to be sure that they will not harm anyone before or after the jump. Hell, some are even young enough that they may need permission from their parents before they jump... lol! I have seen many types of approaches to "The Infamous Plunge". The question in my mind is which one is the best?